I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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