Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize