please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
