i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
