Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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