You're my little dorito
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
