Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize