On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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