my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
