had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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