So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize