wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
