The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize