I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
