if only i could text you this smell
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize