For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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