Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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