every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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