Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
