i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
