well I can't set my house on fire every night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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