i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
