This is not my ceiling
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
