Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
