so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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