Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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