Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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