dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
