i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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