Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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