His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
