No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
