It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
