You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
