i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
