doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
