I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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