I molested 6 butterflies tonight
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
