What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
