i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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