the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
