I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
