i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
