the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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