we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
