We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
