Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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