Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize