Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize