oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
