i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
