whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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