I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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