I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
