I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
