I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
