girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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